Self Sabotaging Behaviours: 5 Ways You are Self Sabotaging and How to Stop

Every experience learnt is one worth sharing and so after I overcame some disastrous Self Sabotaging Behaviours, I was unconsciously practising several years back, I promised to share my experience with my blog readers. But I never did, at least until now.

You might be wondering, why now? What made me finally decide to share this?

The answer to that is the show I recently watched on Netflix. I am talking about the social experiment “Love is Blind” a truly immersive show if I must say, but a particular person in the show who happens to be one of my favourites literally crashed and burnt her chance of walking down the aisle with the love of her life because of her Self Sabotaging Behaviours.

Giannina during the show frequently talked about how she self sabotages good things happening to her. Hence even though she had a thriving relationship with Damian, she self sabotages the relationship. That’s how many people are constantly self-sabotaging their relationships, happiness and even careers.

What is Self Sabotage?

Mindtools.com define self Sabotage as; The act of destroying or undermining something, often in a covert manner. Usually, it implies direct and deliberate involvement on the part of the saboteur – that’s why the word is most commonly used in relation to spying, or in business situations where an insider is causing the damage.

MindTools.com

The term self-sabotage is used when this destructive behaviour is directed at yourself. At first, you may not even notice that you’re doing it. But when negative habits consistently undermine your efforts, they can be considered a form of psychological self-harm.

Simply put, self Sabotaging is a self-destructive behaviour that involves one practising behaviour that stonewall and put up fences against achieving goals, aspirations and undermining self-worth/deeds.

What is Self Sabotaging Behaviour?

Psychology Today further explains self Sabotaging Behaviours as; when a behaviour creates problems in daily life and interferes with long-standing goals.

PsychologyToday.com

Examples of Self Sabotaging Behaviours

Gaslighting: Usually gaslighting refers to someone trying to manipulate another person into questioning their sanity. However, people who self Sabotage, need no one to gaslight them as they successfully carry this out on their own. They are constantly projecting ill things on themselves, they question everything they do, they are quick to consider themselves as “wrong” or “not good enough”.

Victim Mentality: One way or another, we have all come across people who tend to hand the victim card on every occasion. While some do this to guilt-trip the other party. Some others do this as a result of Self Sabotaging Behaviours. They consider themselves the victims in situations because they doubt their self-worth.

Self-criticism: I am a Stan of constructive criticism, I love to learn, I love to be better. However, it’s important to know the difference between constructive criticism and self-criticism.

Self-criticism is self-evaluation, self critics tend to evaluate and associate their actions with negativity. To them, they are never good enough.

Self-criticism is a major sign of underlying psychological conditions.

Most stem from past experience in a family relationship, childhood etc. For e.g, a child raised by a horrible father who constantly berates and brings down his child before others, such parents are quick to make negative statements about their children. Statements like, “You are useless”, “look at your mates” “There’s nothing you know”, “You can’t do anything well”. Such statements end up affecting the child and as he/she grows up, if they don’t watch it, they begin to practice negative self-criticism which often leads to Self Sabotage.

Procrastination: One of the most prevalent issues amongst many, is procrastination. The attitude of pushing things to later times or dates is one that has entrapped many people. Procrastination is literally a disease and it counts as a Self Sabotaging Behaviour.

RELATED: habits I’m Trying To Get Rid Of

Comparison: Self saboteurs lack good self-esteem, hence they are always in doubt of their abilities. They prefer to compare their worth and abilities with others. Some spend an insane amount of time comparing their works to others and at the end, they fail to accomplish that task because they feel, “It just won’t be good enough”

Overindulgence: Another example of self Sabotaging Behaviour is overindulgence in alcohol, drugs, sex, you name it. They do this to avoid unpleasant feelings.

Why Do We Self Sabotage?

This is the BIG question. We already know, an alarming number of people self Sabotage. however, some Sabotage unconsciously and some others do it for various reasons. Such as;

Fear of Success: Some people have paranoia when it comes to being successful. They fear success. They fear being recognised, having their works seen and appreciated. It mostly comes from the feeling of unworthiness. For example, A local school teacher by name ChiChi has been nominated by her pupils for the State’s annual teacher of the year award.

One morning, ChiChi receives an email regarding the award. She is to submit a short bio of herself and a 100-word article on why she is the best candidate to win this year’s award.

Chichi sits, starring at the email. She begins to write but mid-way she starts to question herself.

Chichi fills her thoughts with these ugly questions until she succumbs, shut her laptop and go back to bed.

Chichi has just self-sabotage herself from success. This happens to a lot of people, they always destroy their shot at success with their own hands.

Insecurity/ Lack of Confidence: As humans, sometimes we tend to doubt ourselves. It happens and it’s okay as long as you don’t do this every time.

Lack of confidence is a big deal, it withholds people from truly believing in themselves. Imagine if ChiChi had an abundance of self-confidence, she would have gone ahead to complete the award process. Simply because she believes in herself.

Fear of Failure: Up until around the age of 20, I constantly self-sabotaged because of the fear of failure. If you grew up the way I did, being the best at everything, you know how strongly falling at anything affects our self-esteem.

Hence, I was always afraid of failure. When I wanted to run for VP of my department while in University, I began to have doubts, I started to wonder if I would win or not. I almost did pick up the VP form because of my fear of failure. If I succumbed to it, I would have self-sabotaged myself from having a shot at becoming departmental vice president.

Failure cannot be overruled but you will never truly know the real outcome if you don’t at least give it a shot.

Fear of Rejection/Abandonment: Some people have been hurt, one way or another. Some have faced rejection, been abandoned by family or friends. Hence when friendships or relationships starts to build, they self Sabotage it because they don’t want to be hurt or rejected or abandoned again.

Fear of Change: Change is a difficult phase to go through, change can be scary and so people fear change. Some turn down promising jobs because they are afraid of relocating to any other city. Some remain in a toxic work environment because they are afraid of taking the bold step to change careers. Due to this fear of Change, people keep limiting and sabotaging themselves.

Imposter Syndrome: According to Wikipedia, Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which one doubts one’s accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.^[1] Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not deserve all they have achieved. Individuals with impostorism incorrectly attribute their success to luck, or interpret it as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent than they perceive themselves to be.

Wikipedia.com

The Blame Game /Guilt Card: People who self Sabotage are good at playing the blame game. They believe it’s everyone’s fault, they never believe it might be the result of their own action.

Others believe that because they have sinned in the past, they don’t deserve mercy, love or any good tidings. So they consciously sabotage these things before they come to reality.

How To Know If You Are Self-Sabotaging.

Many people are oblivious to their Self Sabotaging Behaviours because most times, these behaviours happen unconsciously. It takes someone who has serious knowledge of self to realise when they are beginning to self Sabotage.

I’ll like to help you figure out if you have any Self-Sabotaging behaviours. Let’s state by you answering the questions below.

What are your answers to the questions above? If you had more than 2 yes, then you might be exhibiting traits of Self Sabotaging Behaviours.

How To Stop Self-Sabotaging

Identify Triggers:

I am a firm believer in first unravelling the cause of a problem as a means of finding its solution.

Self-sabotaging is bad, yes. But it doesn’t just happen like that, certain things trigger it. So the first process to Stop Self Sabotaging Behaviours is to identify what triggers such.

It can be anything from negative thoughts to fear, setting unrealistic expectations e.t.c. These triggers differ from person to person. What triggers my self Sabotaging Behaviours, might not be what triggers yours. So embark on a journey to understand your triggers.

You can do this by consciously noting when you practice any self Sabotaging act. Write down the events that have led up to that moment. By doing these, soon enough, you will identify whatever triggers you to self sabotage/destruct.

Build Your Self-esteem

Lack of self-esteem is dangerous, it makes one feel less. It gives others leverage over you, as you constantly under-sell yourself. Having a substantial amount of Self-esteem is a necessary part of life. It makes you proactive, it makes you self-assertive too. Take out time to work on building your self-esteem; start believing that you are enough, build your self-awareness, build your confidence too. All these make up your self-esteem.

When you’ve got self-esteem and confidence, you no longer believe you are a fraud or doubt your abilities. It significantly reduces your chances of self Sabotaging.

Recognise Your Self Worth

I know we’ve already discussed self-esteem but I feel a strong need to reiterate that there’s a difference between self-esteem and self-worth.

Like Dr Christina Hibbert opines,

The difference between self–esteem” and a sense of self–worth? Self–esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves. Self–worth is recognizing “I am greater than all of those things”

Christina Hibbert

Self-worth is you acknowledging your greatness. It is you knowing your actual worth. So many people have self-esteem but not many know their self-worth. Hence they don’t rate themselves, they don’t charge clients adequately for services offered. They simply take the offer on the table.

Back when I began blogging, I didn’t realise my self-worth, I was constantly under-selling my skills, charging peanuts for creating contents. Now the tables have turned, I don’t settle for less, it’s either you pay me my worth or simply run along.

Practice Mindfulness

Remember that Self Sabotaging Behaviours can often happen without one knowing. Consequently, it is paramount that you practice Mindfulness.

Practising mindfulness is therapeutic, it keeps you in sync with your thoughts and body.

Comparison Is The Thief of Joy.

You are unique, amazing, you are an inspiration. You don’t need to equate yourself with anybody or validate yourself through standards set by someone else.

Theodore Roosevelt wasn’t wrong when he said “Comparison is a thief of Joy”

Theodore Roosevelt

Develop A Positive Mindset

How do you approach life and issues? With pessimism or optimism?

Having a positive mindset cannot be overemphasized. A positive thought or action can alter the outcome of an event. I embraced having a positive approach to life and so far, it’s been an amazing experience.

Positivism brightens your mood, makes you see the best in situations. It also makes you a quick problem solver because when you have a positive mindset, you look for means to overcome anything that threatens that peace and this includes Self Sabotaging Behaviours.

One way I try to stay sane is by practising positive affirmations.

What are Positive Affirmations?

Positive affirmations are mantras that are meant to spur you on and encourage you. You can also call positive affirmations words of encouragement but there’s a slight difference. While positive affirmations are more direct and firm with the 

Positive affirmations have been scientifically proven to help people live their best life by reducing threats and improving performance. Also, people who practise positive affirmations are more receptive to making errors and rather than stay down and beat themselves, they get up and get going. This makes it hard for people who use positive affirmation for living their best life to hardly fall into a negative mental fog. 

Gift Collins Blog

See some of my favourite positive affirmations below.

1. I am fearfully and wonderfully made- This is a biblical positive affirmation drawn from the Bible (Psalm 139:14). It is the perfect positive affirmation for building self-confidence and body positivity.
2. I’m Enough
3. My every desire is achievable
4. my mind is full of brilliant ideas
5. The energy I have towards life and growth is on 100%
6. All things are working for my good
7. I am highly blessed and favoured
8. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
9. The world is about to know me
10. I (name) am destined for greatness
11. I am a strong independent career woman/man
12. I’m in pursuit of my happiness
13. Choose what I become

Find others here- positive affirmations for living your best life.

Embrace Journaling

If you are yet to try journaling, I don’t know what you are waiting for. Journaling is a wholesome experience. It makes you see your growth process in writing. Try writing down your daily encounters and experience, over time, study them and you’ll discover new things about yourself.

Show Up

Ditch procrastination, ditch excuses. Be ready to bring on your A-game.

Overcome Your Fears

“Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.”

— Bertrand Russell

Whatever your fears are, be it fear of failure, fear of being judged, fear of success, fear of not being enough, whatever it is, you alone have the power to change the narrative.

“To overcome fear, here’s all you have to do: realize the fear is there, and do the action you fear anyway.”

— Peter McWilliams

Stop allowing fear of the unknown limit you from achieving your dreams.

Embrace Your Humanity

I saved this for the last because to me, it’s like the most important tip on how to stop self Sabotaging Behaviours. Many times, people tend to forget that before anything else, they are humans and such aren’t perfect. They tend to forget that “being Human” is part of life. So yes, sometimes you will fail, it’s only human. Sometimes you will make mistakes, you are only human and sometimes you will self-sabotage, you are only human.

The key thing here is to ensure that no matter what, you give life your best shot. It is totally okay to fall, it’s okay to stay down but it’s never okay to remain down forever.

Dear champs, no one can change anything about you, until you decide to. I’ve written this amazing post on self-sabotaging Behaviours, I’ve shared my real-life experiences, I’ve shown you steps on how to stop self Sabotaging. But the truth is, none of this matter if you don’t decide to make a conscious effort to develop and better your life. So challenge yourself to practice the aforementioned tips on how to stop self Sabotaging, diligently.

All The Best!

• 

• 

• 

• 

•